There’s a storm inside of me…not a snow storm..more like a storm in the Pacific..
You’re riding your boat…waiting for the storm to pass….but it doesn’t.
The more you try to get past it..the more it follows you.
I’ve always been a people pleaser…that’s the best thing I do…maybe that’s why I have garnered so many praises all through my life.
It is almost like a death to me to say no…or tell someone how much they’ve hurt me
Maybe it is the downside of going to a catholic school…
Where you can’t be a person Jesus is proud of if you hurt other people
But then again, if that was the case…it shouldn’t be me who has to struggle with all these emotions even after 25 yrs
I’ve seen my classmates fight…speak up..rather bodly
I’m not denying that they weren’t scared..maybe they were…but they weren’t scared of that much…no matter what, they passed through
Why am I not able to?
Even a little thing as studying for myself….scares me
Is it a fear of the unknown…of failure…or of upsetting people I know…of letting them down?
Its like I don’t even know how to make myself happy?
I have always been so sensitive….a little high tone…and I’m scared to my bone….
I feel like a little kid all over again
Who doesn’t know anything
All alone in the dark
To have let them down…again…
To see disgust in the tone..in their expression..in their voices
I know they love me….i know they really do
Why can’t I do the same for me?
On the outside my struggles are nothing..I have good food, a roof..all the luxuries…
I don’t have to work as a child laborer
(maybe it’s because I haven’t lived through it…a classic case of grass is greener on the other side..eh?)
I don’t have to live in an abusive relationship…
(Well..i kinda do…with myself)
But on the inside..I am failing
It’s not that I don’t try
Maybe I don’t try hard enough
Maybe I don’t have to courage to listen to my heart
If courage had a shop..I’d be giving orders for the bulk…
But sadly..it doesn’t.
I just lives inside of me….
It’s not like I have lived a life of disgust..
I have great friends who really love me…and that too because of my ppl pleasing abilities…that have come in handy often…to the point they know they can tell me anything and still be accepted.
A good trait isn’t it
Obviously no point in letting it go
But when it comes to applying that on myself…I see no use
My subconscious self-berating habit has given me an edge over my peers
To the point that sometime ppl call me a genius… because…I don’t settle for medium….I want more
An excellent trait indeed
But as they say
Too much of everything is bad
This good trait has suffocated me
This kraken has been creating havoc all my life and I have no medusa’s head to get me through it.
It’s just me
The plain old me
No magic sword….no magic horse..nothing
This dementor is gonna kill…because no matter how many books I read….I have no prof lupin besides me to help me through it
All I have is the internet as my Dumbledore..who comes to rescue me in the worst….but doesn’t teach me…just wait for me to fail until it become lethal
Self-pity – a strange concept
While on one side it looks as a means of having self-compassion…on the other…it can be looked upon as a way to not take responsibility of your actions…and not to take charge
How does one get away with it?
How can one love oneself enough to say it okay but not too much to make them dependent on the state of okay and push them forward?
If there is a magic formula..I’d really like to know
So
If u had two choice in life
To live a peaceful life while doing nothing significant enough, yet be loved
Or
Living a life that takes you to the edge of insanity like Van Gogh’s ….and not be praised for your talents…as long as you live.
What would you do?
Does the praises matter after you’re dead?
Would you wanna live a life like that again?
But the worst part is..no matter where you go
No matter who you are with…it doesn’t goes away
This insanity lives within you
Like a parasite that feeds off your soul
Some days it eats more…some days less
But no matter what you do…the antibiotics don’t work
You can’t develop a vaccine for that sorta madness!
But the worst part is..
Even if there was a vaccine..you wouldn’t get it
You know why
Because this insanity…is familiar…there is some sort of unnerving comfort in it….anything different is uncomfortable..not to mention scary
Who would wanna live a life with no regrets? Well I do…but at what cost? Selling my soul? I don’t know
Either way…I still exist in this infinite space as a lifeless body that floats through the day..
Soul or no soul…doesn’t make much difference
So why bother?!
Lakeer Ke Fakeer 